I’ve decided that I need to tell the truth about myself. Tuesday seems like a good day for that.
Truth #1: I’m fat. At my last doctor visit, I weighed 306 lbs. Granted, I was wearing my shoes and a pair of jeans at the time, but I think it’s bullshit to deduct any number of pounds from the today because the number is what it is. Deducting even 7 lbs still puts me nearer to 300 lbs than I ever intended to be. So, let’s be truthful: I’m fat.
Truth #2: I’m a food addict. I am a compulsive, impulsive, and sometimes repulsive eater. I have tried diets with some success, but no diet has ever addressed what’s really going on at the core of me. That’s why I need a 12-step program. That’s why I needed to heal my relationship with a power greater than myself because when I’m around food I have no power.
Truth #3: I’ve eaten some food today that was not beneficial. I was stressed out over some work I’m doing and pissed off about some inequities at the office, so I told my Higher Power (HP, for short) to get the fuck out of my way.
Truth #4: My HP doesn’t punish me for pushing him/her/it aside. My HP loves me exactly where I am today. When I overeat, I am only harming myself by eating stuff that isn’t good for me and by not practicing the habits of recovery that I have been given.
Truth #5: I don’t like myself very much, so it really blows my mind when I remember that my HP loves me no matter what, when my 12-step friends love me no matter what, when anyone in my family or among my friends loves me no matter what.
Truth #6: Lots of times I am eating cruddy food because it’s a way to kill myself and still live for now. If you heard the self-loathing that goes on in my head when I’m stress-eating, you’d think I had a gun stuffed into my mouth.
Truth #7: I’m still trying. Last April, I called a friend in the program and said, “OK, I’m really ready to take Step 3.” My recovery is based on working the 12 steps, and most of time I’m starting the day at Step 1 and getting through Step 7 before I get to bed. But that’s OK.
I think that’s enough truth for today. #TruthTuesday