My Head

Grinding the Gears

I am lamenting that I have not been to the gym for weeks.  A combination of illness and bad weather have kept me away, plus depression over the state of the world as well as my office.

I have been lamenting that I have never felt stress release from exercise.  I have felt tired, I have felt beaten, I have felt virtuous for at least exercising, but I have never felt the loss of stress or worry or anything else.  My mind doesn’t seem to give a rat’s arse for what my body has done.  My mind keeps churning out the shite no matter what.

One thing that’s been on my mind lately is bad relationships and how far we’re willing to go to deal with them.  Do we invest the emotional energy in changing  our expectations of another person or entity, or do we just cut and run?

If it’s a place with which I do business, I’m likely to seek the product or service elsewhere.  If it’s a business where I am employed, the solution is more difficult.  It takes into account the job itself, where the problem comes from, the people I engage with, and more.  I’m in a job now where I think the owners are not emotionally healthy people, so I’m looking for a new position.  But I ask myself:  Is it their fault for being emotionally unhealthy, or is it my fault for the constant, internal demand that they change themselves?  I cannot make that change for them.  Also, it is not a daily battle to face, although some weeks are more difficult than others.  The boss’s wife (who is usually here only 3 days per week) is the main problem; the boss himself is disorganized, incompetent with basic software, and often loses track of details.  Do I leave because they should change and be better people, or do I stay and readjust my expectations of working with them?

If it’s a person who is problematic, it is sometimes as easy as walking away.  At least one former acquaintance has a personality that bothers me, so I just don’t stay in touch with her.  But what if it’s a spouse or a family member? It’s even harder than having a problem with the office.

So, I don’t have any answers.  I just have questions in my head that won’t resolve.

And I have a job that has been consuming all of my energy lately.